Tuesday, December 10, 2013

The Battered Woman Lenore E. Walker Thoughts on the book

I saw this book at the library yesterday, the one of my favorite haunts and was like oh, darn it, I need fifty cents for it.  Right?  Well, I get looking in my car to see if I can find my change and realized it was not on me today.  And oh, ha ha only thirty five cents in it!  Yard sale change!!!  So, after looking at the magazine swap, finding a football one for my Dad and looking at the most recent Martha Stewart magazine, I decided to put it on hold for me.  And oh, man, there was a good bacon jam recipe she had in that magazine that I've got to find and copy at some point!!!  Yum!!  Doesn't that sound different?  Could be good.

We like chocolate on bacon, don't we!!!  Anyway, really wanted to spend more time reading this.  I've got a different one but hadn't read this one.  So, I went to visit my kids and was like, "Does anyone have fifty cents I can have for a library book???"  I knew they closed later on so would have time to get it.  So, they went to get their teeth checked came back and my oldest son found fifty cents for Mom to borrow. Didn't state the book.

I'm a battered woman, emotional.  That's all, enough said.  He's the father of my kids and I love him for giving me my four children and everything should stay just that.  I know I was battered and that's all I will say on my blog about that.  I don't want to ever slander my ex.  But, I've got my private story about what I went through.  He's been forgiven but I can't forget the damage.

And I had the meanest neighbors ever who battered me as well.  Hey, they don't have to always be your spouse to do it to you.  They are all nameless, even the ones I recognize that live below me now.  I didn't like her making fun of my song I sang to my Dad that day.  Hey, someone's coming into my apt and stealing my knitting magazines and moving my things around.  That's a felony they could eventually get caught.  Not 100% sure, but it's what my gut says.

And I have to worry about the thought that it may also be someone I met one day while moving my things in.  There were two gallery clips on the ground as I was talking to him.  He talked about some kind of startling things he shouldn't have told me, a stranger.  At one moment, I looked on the ground and picked up one of the clips.  They were right near each other and when I went to reach for the second one, it was gone.  I went to my kids house a little later.  This was also the morning I found a wet cat mouse toy right on the side of my car.  Car locked, but I think it may have been my cats toy at one point and someone stole it and then put it there for me to find.

So, when I came back from the kids house, I saw a gallery clip right in the middle of my floor and there was nothing there when I left, and then I found the piece of glass in my Laura Ashley tote bin, which I had emptied out completely when I left and wow someone put it into the tote!!! 

It hadn't looked familiar for a long time and then this week it dawned on me what it was from!!!  It was from the broken bowl of my Mom's that those jerk movers broke.  I'm questioning how it could have gotten into the bin.  Someone definitely put it there.  Whatever was in that broken bowl had been thrown out by me a while ago and wasn't in the tote at all.  I'm questioning somethings about the broken bowl and how it got in the tote when I had thrown out everything from the broken bowl.

I do not know the answer as to how it got there, but that's one of my thoughts.  Not to say that's how it happened, but someone broke in and put it there for me to see.

So, that's the new thought on that.  Now the book.  The Battered Woman by Lenore E. Walker.

I've been underlining some things and writing in it a little bit so it remains mine.  My kids might someday find it after I've hopefully passed away at an old age!!  I've got a few things I'm going to do to protect myself and have two people do justice for me should a man ever be waiting for me when I get back to my apt.  Got that constant worry about a man someday coming out of my closet.  Praying to god it doesn't happen. 

A beautiful sign, and lets hope it keeps up.  The last three times coming in, I've seen nothing moved on me.  Well, one night I did find inside my freezer my veggie scrap bag got folded on me.  I had left it open to just toss the scraps in.  I did have it folded in my old apt but not this one.  It bothered me to see this and I'm just hoping it was done on me a little while ago and they are done coming in. 

I don't want to have to get that surveillance camera next month if I don't have to.  It would just be a beautiful feeling and the best Christmas miracle that they are all done bothering me forever!!!  Let me move on with my life thank you very much!!!  It's still premature to know for sure if they are done and let me tell you, once you receive a threat you have to take it seriously even if most likely they could be chain yanking, you don't know when you've been threatened if they will someday make due on what they terrorized you with.  I have that worry, so I want to make sure I will have justice done.

But let's pray to god it never happens.

Okay, the book.  I will start by just writing some of the things I underlined and thought really important for any battered woman on any level.  There are just so many different types of battering on all levels.  You can read this book and say, yeah that happened to me and some of it never may have happened to you and you just think oh, that's just utterly horrible too.  You can relate.  You've been battered somehow.  Every woman has their own story to tell.  Some will never tell it except in a private journal like I have.

Some women never write anything for fear their man gets it and lights into her.  Mine remains private except for the one important person I am going to have protect it for me.  A woman.  A woman will always relate to how it must feel to be battered but nobody can know for sure what it's like until you have experienced it firsthand. 

Battered women themselves are the best judges of whether or not they are being battered.  L. Walker

Battered women rarely exaggerate.  L. Walker

Strong individuals can overcome their circumstances.   L. Walker   So true.  You can either let it all get to you or not let it stop you from rising above it.  I will say it's hard to do.  All abuse is hard to deal with let me tell you, but the emotional abuse is far more damaging.  None of it is good.

Neglect is an abuse as well.  Verbal abuse whether direct or indirect so you hear it is verbal abuse.  Women have good ears.  Men do too.  And let's just say that verbal abuse or neglect can being either sex.  But some of the abuse women deal with does come from a man.  Women can be abusers too.  Maybe that's one that just isn't as known as the abuse done to a woman.

And we've got the harassment in the workplace.  Just saying, it comes from anything.  Our society is so abusive, it's not funny.

She had no choice but to be such a victim, L. Walker

Most battered women are from middle-class and higher income homes where the power of their wealth is in the hands of their husbands.  L. Walker

But of course, women battered come from all classes.  It's the poorer women as well.  It doesn't matter how poor or well off you are to get battered.  And you don't always recognize it right off.  And even if you may have instigated it, it still doesn't give a man the right to batter.  It just gives him the reason I guess. 

Like rape, the battering of American women is a seriously underreported crime.  L. Walker

without witnesses.  L. Walker

Here's the section on the myths I read through.

Myth 1:  The Battered Woman Syndrome Affects only a small percentage of the population

Myth 2:  Battered Women are Masochistic

Myth 3:  Battered women are crazy!!!  Real nasty!!!!

Battered women's survival behaviors have often earned them the misdiagnosis of being crazy.  Have been taken out of context by unenlightened medical and mental health workers.  doctors who were responding to their overt symptoms rather than attempting to understand their family situations.

I wonder about how many other women who have been mislabeled as mentally ill were really attempting to cope with a batterer.  After listening to their stories, I can only applaud their strength in retaining their sanity.  L. Walker

Myth 4:  Middle-class women do not get battered as frequently or as violently as do poorer women.

They fear social embarrassment and harming their husbands' careers.  Many also believe the respect in which their husbands are held in the community will cast doubt upon the credibility of their battering stories.  The recent public focus on battered women has brought many of these middle and upper-class women out of hiding.

They report an overwhelming sense of relief once they have told their stories and find that others will now believe them.

(I will personally tell you it is the hardest thing in the world to know it's been done to you and you've got nobody who will believe you.  Hey, behind closed doors with no witnesses, you know.  You are the woman who went through it.  Don't listen to any of them.  They base it on here say.  And doctors do make mistakes.  Nobody is perfect.)

Myth 5:  Minority-Group women are battered more frequently than Anglos.

Myth 6:  Religious beliefs will prevent battering.

Myth 7:  Battered women are uneducated and have few job skills.

Like I said, a battered woman comes in all walks and colors.  I know how to write, draw, photography, any homemaking crafts, knitting etc....  I'm knowledgeable in many things, still learning everyday.  There's always room to learn.  Like talking to someone, she let me see those plagiarizing threats from the neighbors in a new light.  She told me they were giving me a compliment.  Thank-you to them on that, I didn't see that.  But I still hope I never see that one of them has published my work before I can even learn how to format and finish the unpublished stuff.  That would be horrible and is my other worry.   Always take any talks with anyone that can be of help to you as a good thing.  It never hurts to talk to someone about anything.  We are never alone.  I always come away thinking that I got it out than held it in.  A battered woman can hold it in.  Some never get noticed.

Myth 8:  Batterers are violent in all their relationships.

Not always necessary.  Probably depends on the man.

Myth 9:  Batterers are unsuccessful and lack resources to cope with the world.

That also would depend on the man, I think.  Batterers come in all walks of life as well as the woman.

Myth 10:  Drinking causes Battering Behavior. 

In many cases yes, but not always.

Myth 11:  Batterers are psychopathic personalities.  It says, the batterer can be either very, very good or very, very horrid.

But unlike the psychopath, the batterer feels a sense of guilt and shame at his uncontrollable actions.  If he were able to cease his violence, he would.

Myth 12:

Police can Protect the battered Women

Myth 13:  The Batterer is not a loving partner.

This is not always true but tends to be this way.  Like I say in any marriage there is always good and bad and it's recognizing when you are being battered to either stand up and don't let it happen or to find your support system.  Hey, most marriages always start as beautiful and sometimes either the man or the woman may stray a little bit or a lot and a marriage changes.  It's too bad that nowadays there is too much divorce. 

Sometimes partners give up too quickly or do stupid things that get the batterer started.  Sometimes its just the idea that his woman may just be dressing a little prettier than she used to and maybe just a simple little crush that gets it started. 

Just as a man has to maybe can it, the woman has to can it too.  It's alright to look but don't touch.  Hey, my great aunt, love her once turned and looked at an Italian looking dapper dressed man and said something.  He turned and looked at her and thought it was funny.  I always remember that on a fun Boston trip one year growing up.  Fun, fun memories.  And then my sister and I got our picture taken with a cute young guy who ran an outdoor flower vendor.

I love my memories and even the bad ones I learn from.  We get stronger, right?

It takes two people to get the battering started usually, but still it doesn't give the man the right to batter.

Myth 14:  A wife batterer also beats his children.

Not always but there's got to be an impact.  Brainwashing or any other form of abuse does happen.  I guess it would depend on the batterer and does he repeat the cycle?  I don't know much on that.

Myth 15:  Once a battered woman, always a battered woman.

Not always, but it depends on who you meet next and if you can't recognize the signs right off, you fall into the trap again.  But many battered women either end up with a good guy the next time around or they decide they don't want to again because there's not a lot of trust to go on.  For a battered woman, there's the fear of having it all happen again and maybe worse.

Myth 16:  Once a batterer, always a batterer.

Not always.  You've also got to think that a batterer may have also been a victim at one point in his life to be the way he is.  And there are also batterers who can change their life around and realize what they did was wrong.

As the woman, you've also got to find it in your heart to forgive him someday.  I've forgiven mine, and he's the father of my children and I will always be thankful to him and love him for that fact he gave me my four children.  My children are my A. Number one.

Your batterer may also take a long time to come to his own terms that he did it as well.  Denial for a batterer is a big thing.  They've got to realize they have got to stop charming people and learn that manipulating a situation is not a good thing. 

I always want my children to love their dad just as much as their mother.  That's important.  Being good role model parents for your kids is the best scenario.  And I've been friends with his new girlfriends and have some things in common with his new girlfriend.

Myth 17:  Long-standing battering relationships can change for the better.

I think this is true usually.  As with life, there's always ups and downs.  Any battered woman has to think positive and try not to stay in the negative.  If you got out of the relationship, try to forge forward.  Don't let any battering of any kind bog you down.  But, don't stand for a man hitting you.  I was lucky there.  There are some real horror stories on that one and some end up dead. 

If you know someone it's happening to, try to do something if you can.  Be aware that some woman may push it away though.  All it takes is one person to try to reach out and help the woman to see she has to get out of the situation.

In some cases, it can be renewed too and partners can get back together and learn not to do it.  It would take a lot of work just like any divorce gone bad and people try to see if it can work again.  Who knows really. 

We go with what is going to work, and accept the path we get dealt with.  God makes us go down a path for a reason.  He already knows our destiny and purpose in life.  I think one of my purposes in life is to express myself here.  I am who I am, what you see is what you get.  I'm the one who wears my heart on my string.  Yes, maybe sometimes I share maybe a little more than I should, but that is me.  And I would be so upset if someday an uninvited man were in my apt to hurt or kill me.  You've all got to be aware he may come in and erase this whole blog except for the one post I wrote about my story why I chose to not end my life as the world is a much better place with me in it.  And he may even rewrite it the way he may want it to be.

I can't have that happen.  Which means after this post, I'm changing my password and I'm finally on my lovely secure Internet!!!!

Myth 18:  Battered women deserve to get beaten.

No we don't.  Even if it's been instigated or not, a woman never deserves to get beaten.  It's wrong.

Myth 19:  Battered women can always leave home.

Not always.  For many reasons, it's hard for her to do so.  Often, there's children to think about why a woman stays in it, maybe a pet, or all her pretty things.  Anything can be hard for a woman to leave.  Maybe her life gets threatened and she stays for that reason.  Some women just love the man so much, they stay and take the abuse.  So many reasons why it takes time for the woman to leave.  Some never leave in hopes it gets better.

Myth 20:  Batterers will cease their violence "When we get married".

Depends if it's happening from the beginning, the middle or later on.  Sometimes it begins very small and becomes a larger problem later on.  Marriage is a constant give and take and many men and women have a hard time making the marriage remain strong for many years.  It's the reason there is too much divorce now.

Myth 21:  Children need their father even if he is violent - or, "I'm only staying for the sake of the children."

They do need their dad and their mother.  But, if the children are in danger if the dad is really violent, they've got to be protected.  Both parents need to smarten up and make sure that the children come first.  What is best for the children is the most important.

Even the best of parents can do things that aren't in the children's best interest once in a while.  One parent is not better than the other in most cases.  I'm a very good parent and so is my ex.  But, in my mind both parents, myself and my ex have done things that maybe at the time were thought of with good intentions but ended up not the best thing to do.  That's why we don't go to bed angry.  We all learn from our mistakes.  Forgiveness sets you free.  Someday, I will be able to forgive my mean neighbors and I will thank them for supplying me with some wicked good ideas to go into future fiction novels I have yet to even begin to write, but they are in my head.  It's not necessarily going to be everything that has been done to me, but it will be made up.

I like the one about the lordy guy that likes to secretly sit in big girl polka dot undies!!!!  Maybe he will like pork rinds.  Ha ha ha.  Just some funny thoughts.  I'm a funny girl!!!!  Move over, Ellen!!!  Just kiddin!!!  Your the best!!!!  Well, lets not top I love Lucy!!!!!  Classic!!!

Well, that's about it for the myths.  And I'm about done this post.

Hey, we're almost getting to Christmas and two of my wishes have been fulfilled with a new laptop and my internet!!  It may not do all the things I want it too.  It's not maybe the best for photo editing, but if that's going to later on be an issue for me, I guess next year's wish will be one for editing.  Especially once I get to the cover work for my stuff.

Still want to get that beginning drawing done for the cover of The Glorious Money Tree Trilogy (or maybe even a longer series like the Harry Potter books.  I may want to pursue getting more in depth with my characters which may mean that it needs to be longer to cover the characters more.  I kind of would like to pursue the early years of a few of my bad fairies.  I could see a book on the reason they are who they are.

Fantasy stories may really be my strong point.  With that you can really push the boundaries and hey, it's a fantasy.  More room for things that are not of this world.  Thank-you J.K. Rowling and many other great writers of this genre for paving the way for the world to love it and believe it.

Okay, I'm ready to start changing a few passwords.  Not sure what else.  Good lord, I've got secure internet!!  I could be up all night, huh???  I was feeling bad that I couldn't post every day for a while, but like I said, I'm ready to write.

One more part of the symptoms many battered woman can get, is there can be a low self-esteem that some fall under, or the depression and I know the other one is PTSD.  I'm very thankful that one doesn't describe me.  I've got a very good self esteem and a great sense of self worth.  I've been lucky never to have been depressed.  Yes, I can fall under some blah days, we all have that, but my happy disposition gets me through any conflict that comes my way.  Thank-you Mom and Nana for passing that onto me and my siblings.  I don't know too much about PTSD, but that is something to try to recognize the signs if you know of someone that may be happening to.  Doing research for an article once, a rape can make this happen to a woman.  I'm a very strong woman and can make myself get through anything.

I heard a man once talking on the phone with someone and the man just felt like he was done but after talking with someone he keeps going.  All I think of while I was sitting there, was you're in so much pain???  Everyone is, but that should never be a reason just to leave the world!!!!  Like I said, let's stop suicide world wide/  I'm going to be the girl that just tells people to stay because the world shouldn't have people deciding that they want to just go to heaven!!!  Why do they do that?  I've heard stories of it happening, and I've had a relative who is missing her son everyday because he chose to not stay.  That's got to be a horrible feeling and I hope her holiday is a good one.  It's been a few years, but the void never goes away for the family who have to say goodbye to a loved one.

It's people like me and other people who need to make a stand on these issues to make people leave with new feelings.  And I hope to god I save someone's life every day!!!!  I'm no doctor, but if it helps, great.

Jennifer Jo.  Fay

Copyrighted December 2013

Yummy pie!  Last year's pie, long gone!!

 Will get some good pictures of my new redo project soon.  That was so much fun to do!!!  And my yellow rose I took one year when I photographed a girl's wedding.  Oh, almost forgot, I've got to call my kids!!!  Where's my head??  It's thinking of all the writing I can do now!!!!!!!  And the thoughts of cool Triond posts that will earn me some small money!!!  And that pile that's been waiting for Ebay selling, and the knitted items that I can now get on my Etsy shop!!!!   Jfaypaperdolls

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