Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Suicide Is Never The Answer

Suicide is never the answer

Dear Suicidal Loved Ones,
We know you are thinking of it. And some of you we don't. But this is a message to stay in this world that is full of beautiful people. And you are one of them. We don't know all of you, but we feel your pain. We grieve for you. We are all here to listen to you if only you will let us in. You need us. Please reach out to us and let us breathe with you. We're always beside you waiting for your reply. If you don't try to let us hear your pain, we won't know you and you could end up on the other side. An angel waiting for us to visit and stay in the rooms we will dwell in. But we're not ready to go yet, we love it here on earth. Our roots are in deep and we wish we could stay forever. But death meets us all someday. Stupid God wasn't thinking when he gave us all a curfew. What a crapper.
So stay in our world awhile.
But we know you are in pain. You're probably feeling worthless, not loving yourself and feeling upset when you think everyone is against you and hating you. People aren't hating you. They are just sometimes being mean, because it is in their nature and they don't realize they are causing pain. And if you're feeling a lot of pain, it's probably because you need a positive change in your life. Guess what? Only you can turn yourself around. It is you that got yourself there and you need to try as hard as you can to get yourself out. There are so many of you out there that give up too soon. Some do, and guess who misses them. The family and friends and everyone that knew them. And it's those people who get angry for not seeing the bomb before it devastated them. And they will be scarred forever. Do you want your family and friends to be scarred like that? Do you want your children or spouse to find you dead? Think what it will do to them.
Then, the real plan to end my life began maybe four to six years ago. I started writing my first novel two years before the plan arrived. The novel was called Lustful Evangelean. Two years later, I finished it and had a local editor edit it. She gave me the five page evaluation., Well, it needed a lot of work and there were also some really good points to it. I started to edit it.
One night, when the plan arrived, I was sitting outside in the van waiting for my oldest son's junior high dance to end. It was a rainy night, and I watched the drops hit and roll down the windshield. I felt a wave of grief come over me. I suddenly thought, what if I never published my book? I became down in the dumps that night. And for a real stupid reason. I went in to collect my son who was busy gathering with all of his friends.
Inside my mind, I was hitting my mid life crisis. The kids were older and where was I headed?
Suicidal thoughts entered my clogged up brain. I brought my son home and silently thought of death. The next night, I went out to dinner with my husband and we went to see a movie. I struggled through dinner and put up my mask. He was completely unaware. Suddenly, I felt like I could end it. What was left for me? We left the restaurant and went to see a movie that was all about death. People kept getting shot. And I sat lifelessly through that movie. Before the movie started there was a little info about Keith Ledger. I think he had already committed suicide. I thought, wow if he could, so could I.
We came home that night and I had dreams of killing myself. This was over the weekend. I had a plan. I was going to take pills on Monday while my children were in school and my son was going to arrive home in the afternoon and find me dead. I had kind of thought of drowning in my tub and slicing myself, but knew I could never do that, but I thought I might be able to take some pills. Yeah. That was what I was going to do. Then over the weekend, I took longer naps and I panicked. I knew I didn't want to do it after all. And you know what stopped me?
My children.
I didn't want to see them scarred forever. After that, I got really angry with myself for thinking those thoughts. I told my husband and he wanted me to get some help. I told my sister, brother and father. They all had things to say to me. My father said never do that. He said, "Stay in this game called life as long as you can." He had other things to say, but that's the one that has stuck in my head.
Of course, my brother said to never do that.
My sister said the same thing. Then she said, "If you ever call me and say something about that again, I'm going to have the police right at your doorstep. We want you to be here to dance with your children when they get married. I don't want to be getting dressed for your funeral."
These things stuck and I am so glad they are my family. Your family will miss you when you choose to end your life. That week following my plan, I got so angry with myself. My kids preschool teacher took a trip with me to see my doctor to discuss it. She has been like a really close friend through my mother's death, my divorce and that. She is a really important friend even though I don't see her all the time.
There are also hotlines you can call to get help, before you decide to end it.
So, just know that you are never alone and there are people who are there to reach out to you.
And recently, I have felt that there may be one of our fellow hubbers that might be thinking of it. I don't know for sure as I don't know her. But I told her that we're all here to help her as we want her to stay in our community. She want's to escape into her cave for a while. But we all have told her, to do it if she must, but to come back. And we want her to leave her hubs up, because her writing is beautiful. She is like my yellow rose, and she is a beautiful person on the inside. She is loved and should know that she is never worthless.
So any of you that are reading this and deciding that you want your young life to be done, please don't do it. Our world is a much finer place with you in it. When you choose death over life we all die a little right along with you.


Jennifer JO Fay

If anyone likes paperdolls or knows someone who likes paper dolls, check out my paperdoll post on each of my blogs where my paper dolls are for sale:  The Official Paper Doll Blog 

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