Wednesday, January 11, 2012

The Abusive Husband What Justifies him to do things to his wife?

The abusive husband.  Just in fact, who is he?  He could for all you know be the man you are living with.  Maybe he's been good to you for many years and then suddenly something snaps and you don't know who he is anymore.  This was mine.  Although now I can put in the past and forgive him as we both need to be civil and be good friends for our kids.  We are probably the model parents as there is never a single fight in the two and a half years since we have been separated.

But for the three to four years before we got separated, I was an abused wife.  Emotionally.  But for many years we had a good relationship.

No wife should be abused.  Whether it be physical or emotional.  What justifies a man to do that to his wife?  This was mentioned by someone who knew me and knew what he was doing to me.  The person said this to me.

Some husbands physically abuse their wives for a long time.  They have the bruises and broken bones to show it.  Yet, sometimes the woman keeps it to herself in order to protect herself and protect her husband that she still somehow loves.  Yet, what she should be doing is escaping and find help.  Sometimes she just doesn't want to leave the situation.  She stays because it is all she knows.  She stays because she doesn't know how to leave him.

Then, finally she smartens up and says enough.

With me, there was an affair that he did that I couldn't crack, but I knew he had done it.  And then he started talking to my oldest son about all kinds of things that he shouldn't have done.  I was the quiet wife, who just sat by and listened for a while.  The very beginning of my suspicions was the fact that he had a massive erection in the morning, shook the whole bed and said another woman's name.  That was the clencher for me that he had someone.  The other clencher was one night I was in the pantry and came out into the kitchen.  My husband and Sean were sitting in the living room.  Sean goes to Dad, "Is there someone at work?"
Then my husband said, "Shhhhhhh."

Well, that did it.  I figured that when Sean was sleeping over Grandma and Grampas a few nights ago, one of them must have spilled the beans.  How else would he know?  One of them either told him in hopes of it getting back to me, which it did.  Or he overheard one of them talking about it on the phone.  It came from there anyway.

Then the reason that he emotionally abused me for about three years was the fact when I finally confronted him about all that he talked about with the kids and the other stuff.  I overheard him on the phone with someone too, telling them that "I'm going to tell her that it's over."

Well, he pretended like none of it ever happened.  He emotionally abused me and tried to alter my world.  That's a bad parent for doing that to his wife.  And one day he said something about stuff to my face and when we were with our marriage counselor, he pretended like he hadn't said it, yet he said it to my face.

We had an instance with his father many years before that when we were having him and his uncle put new additions on our house.  My girls were little at the time and we did things a little differently seeing as there were all kinds of tools outside for a long time.  The father n law always picked me apart for all kinds of things.  He thought I bought too many groceries for one thing.  Which was none of his business.

Then, I think he must have thought I was abusing my girls which I was not.  I would put the oldest one up for a nap and she would throw a tantrum.  Well, I was not going to be one of those mothers who go up and get her in the first five to ten minutes.  She would pitch a real fit too, to make it seem like I was abusing her.

One day, as the father n law and the uncle were coming in I heard the father n law say, "We ought to put a hidden camera in on Jennifer."  I heard it loud an clear as I was quietly in the living room with my girls.  Walls were knocked down and everything.  You could hear everything that got said.  Not fun.  I got really mad and hollered up that he was fired. 

I had my husband fire him.  And then what does the father n law do, "Oh I never said that."  Nasty.  To this day I'm not sure if I can forgive my father n law for that.  What a terrible thing to do to your daughter n law.
I'm civil to him.  Sometimes things can't be forgiven.  Or even if you are able to forgive every one, you still remember it.  You can't forget what they did to you.  You can't erase it.

And the three of them never admitted to ever saying things, yet they did.  I can remember one nasty fight on the phone with my mother n law.  I can't really remember now what it was all about, but I had had enough of her nastiness and I called her on it.  And I'm sure I called her some words.  I do remember I was quite loud, and echoed through the house that day.  I was livid.

So the apple didn't fall far from the tree, which I learned about my husband.  Once, many years ago I had told them that I was so glad he wasn't like his parents or else I would divorce him.  I later found out that he was exactly like them.  And we had a falling out, and things went sour.

So mine was all emotional, but I would also have hated for it to ever get physical.  They are both bad in my eyes.  No man should abuse his wife.  By abusing his wife, he is being a bad parent to his children.

But, anyway, for me it is all in the past, but I haven't forgotten.  I remember it crystal clear.  But it's just been many years and lots of water under the bridge.  Sometimes I think back and wonder how it even happened.

I kind of have a few ideas.  I think it might have partly to do with me.  One year when my youngest daughter was in preschool the teachers finally hired a man to be one of the teachers.  He was young, and I think single
and I had a crush on him, but I had to can it.

But I didn't can my fiction novel.  Lustful Evangelean.  I suddenly started dressing pretty instead of dumpy.  I got quite revealing, yet never ever had an affair.

But in my story Evangelean's husband had several affairs and Evangelean also lusted after Gauthier.  And my husband might have read parts of the story in the beginning.  When I first started writing it, I left it in plain site and I think he read it and then told the kids.  Then later that day, my oldest daughter who wasn't really old at the time, came up to me and said, "Mommy has a lover."  I was floored and wondered where that came from.  All I can think of was he read it and told them.

Which in plain fact, it was fiction.  Then all kinds of things started happening.  I don't want to go into all of it.  I think it sparked him to have an affair though.  I don't know how long it lasted.  When I confronted him about the woman that he said when he had an erection he exclaimed that she was a 65 year old woman.  Then, I went on to say, "She must have been pretty damn good looking to have an erection about her."  He just laughed in my face.

Then, one night he said, "You can't crack that case."

I went through a lot, it was really hard, and then the reason I didn't get custody of my children was because they put a false sickness on me and said that I was skitzophrenic, which I clearly was not.  So the judge automatically gave him custody because of the supposed disease.

The day was nasty, and that judge didn't listen to me for one minute when I told her I was a battered woman.  Nasty. 

But life just happens and you can't change it.  Now I kind of like the way it worked out, because I still get to see my kids all the time.  It's all in the past.  And then I have some quiet nights to myself and weekends with my boyfriend sometimes.  It all works out fine, I'm friends with his mom, and I have a life too.  So, when something like that happens it is good to put it in the past.  But don't ever forget what happened.

And if your husband is currently abusing you or hitting you and getting physical, it is time to wake up and smell that coffee and say enough of it.  Get out.  If he won't then you need to.  Before he kills you.

Jennifer Jo Fay

Copyrighted January 11, 2012

And if you do get divorced, you have got to be civil for your kids.  No kid wants to get caught in the middle of all kinds of fights.  Don't pit them against either one of you.

This is him trying to snuff the life out of you.  And the blood is the pain of the abuse that he has done to you.

If anyone likes paperdolls or knows someone who likes paper dolls, check out my paperdoll post on each of my blogs where my paper dolls are for sale:  The Official Paper Doll Blog 

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